Have You Seen My Ugly Side

I don't like it.  I do my best not to have one.  But we all do.  I do my best to keep it to myself, hidden from others.  I've never seen a reason to be ugly to people or mean just because I'm having a bad day.  Of course I can be ugly.  I can get mean right back to someone who's horrible to me.  I'll probably hear from some of you telling me that I should be more understanding, less selfish.  For 3 years she has gotten ruder and meaner but and I for almost the whole part have lived with, tried to pretend it wasn't said and on and on.  But now it is so much worse.

My MIL's 90th birthday is tomorrow.  It should be a time of great celebrate.  A milestone that few get to mark.  She has alienated everyone and now there is no one to celebrate.  Her Granddaughter did call to say she'd like to get together tomorrow.  For years I put on birthday celebrations, bought many gifts, landscaped her yard, went shopping with her, took her to Drs., painted her house several times inside and out, sewed curtains and on and on.  She always said birthdays don't mean a thing.  She kept a calendar with her second husbands children, grandchildren and her children's birthdays and never mine or my son.  That hurt but I still always never said anything.I just tried to be as good to her as I would my own Mother.  She never has been the type to say thank you or to do for others but she was not rude.  In the last 2 weeks she has cursed us out as well as the rehabilitation therapist, the nursing aid and anyone else who speaks to her.  Rehabilitation said there is no point on them coming back because she won't cooperate.  You say that shirt makes your eyes look pretty and she say something rude and smart.  I've changed her sheets every day this week.  One evening she went back to bed after going to the bathroom and didn't put on clean panties  That morning when we woke her and she was wet she still refused to clean up or let me help.  She actually was so out of control when Neil and I tried to get her into the shower I told him to just help her stand up and I would clean her.  She was slapping and hitting the entire time.  What do you do?  I couldn't leave her like that.  But her  words are even worse and more painful.  The way she speaks to the people who come in our home to help her.  She tells us daily that she doesn't know how she got here but she'll never step foot in here again (with many explicative's) and she puts her finger in our face and says I never want to see you or you again.   One time she even took my childhood bible that I put on her beside to read since hers wasn't there and she tore out all the pages with my family history and when the bible was given to me, ripped them up and through them behind her beside table and of course denied it.  I never said a word though Neil did.  I was so hurt.

I know you all want to tell me how it's not her fault and how I should be more understanding.  It's true, I'm sure, but I'm so tired of burying the hurt, pain and yes anger that I feel.  I'm tired of  being nice only to be treated like a maid. I have feelings too.  My tension headaches are getting worse, I can hardly eat (which may be a good thing).

So friends I have a request.  Please, Please say a prayer for my heart.  Please pray that it will soften again,  pray that I can be someone Jesus would be proud of.  But also pray that just maybe my family can appreciate what I try to do.   Pray for me not to be selfish or stubborn.  I hope I  haven't run off all my friends but I was going to scream if I didn't get this out.

With a heart of sorrow and tears.....Tracy

P.S.  I bet there are a ton of mistakes in this but I'm to tired to read over it so I hope it makes sense.
And yes I know she is scared and this is probably her way of dealing with it unfortunately I'm worn out from dealing with it to long.  I just want to love her but maybe I don't have enough love.